Nov 042016

If we map a normalo’s life to the progression of a year, birth corresponds to a Midwestern March 1st. They start slow but soon press up like the first chutes of spring. May, ages 16–22, is a sexy month. So are the next bunch of months though, no? If we give our normaloid a healthy 91.25 years, they die at the end of February before spring vacationers disrupt the tranquility of their ultimate Florida winter.

When you were born, how many days had passed since the most recently eclipsed final day of February? Rounding up, divide that by 4. Here’s a little help:

Jan 0th = 306
Feb 0th = 337
Mar 0th = 0
Arp 0th = 31
May 0th = 61
Jun 0th = 92
Jul 0th = 122
Aug 0th = 153
Sep 0th = 184
Oct 0th = 214
Nov 0th = 245
Dec 0th = 275

I was born on July 21st. That’s…
(122 + 21) / 4 = 35.75 = 36

Now that we’ve established the demand for this meta-information—this calendrical metaphorical proprioception, what do we call it? In the ones of conversations I have about this so far, I’ve called it the Platinum Birthday. The Global Hobbit Cabal seems to think there are a few other ideas for what a Platinum Birthday should be and it seems like now that we’re at the start of a century, the front runner could become more popular.

Should we take on the system and assert this method’s dominance as the one true Platinum Birthday? If you’re not up for the fight, how about Alabaster Birthday? I like that word and alabaster is nice. What do you think?

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